The Long and Blinding Road

I've accepted Jesus H. Christ as my own personal Lord and Savior.

It didn't take me long, really. I've been surrounded by his teachings and logic since I was a wee lad. (Dad: "Jesus H. Christ get your finger out of your nose already!") His philosophies have permeated the fabric of my existence. (Driver's Ed Instructor: "Jesus H. Christ! Who the hell taught you how to drive?!?") And I've been able to pass along the teachings to my offspring, beginning early in their formative years. (Me changing a diaper: "Jesus H. Christ! What the hell did you eat for dinner???")

Thanks to these early and gutterally powerful messages, I've always maintained a close relationship with Jesus H. Christ. (I've also attempted to gain insight into his spiritual peer, Sam Hill, but I've been thwarted in most of those attempts. It seems Sam Hill's teachings are a bit more enigmatic, and most of his teachings are left more open-ended... "What in the Sam Hill....?") Because of this deeply powerful awareness of the 'something more' out there, I've been intrinsically dedicated to pursuing my own personal journey.

I realize that many people use their blogs as a forum for outlining and highlighting their own personal journeys to find faith, themselves, or a greater meaning in life. In an effort to not shortchange either of my two readers, I'll relinquish my privacy and upend the stone walls of my lifelong silence on the matter.

Honestly, I've been taking my own personal journey for the better part of my adult life. And I've been taking it barefoot. I find shoes very restricting most of the time, especially on personal journeys. Sure I've stepped on lots of sharp pebbles, some broken glass, and one unfortunate newt. But the important thing is, I'm finding myself.

I pity those that can't find themselves. I've been finding myself for years now. Interestingly enough, I usually find myself in the bathroom. I love the bathroom. Nobody ever follows me in there, except the dog, who follows everyone everywhere, regardless of their religious beliefs or personal journey status. The bathroom is a wonderfully private place where I can collect my thoughts in solitude, or maybe exclaim "Jesus H. Christ!" or "What the Sam Hill is that???" without interfering in others' personal journeys or beliefs.

I'm finding myself in all sorts of other places too. Recently I found myself at the service station looking over the car-repair bill and again praising the name of Jesus H. Christ. I found myself loitering in Best Buy and Borders; I found myself between two incredibly tall drunk guys at urinal row at the bar; and I even found myself late for work one day when I overslept after a late night of blogging. No matter, though. It's all a step on my barefoot journey through this thing I call life.

And ultimately, because of my podiatrically painful journey, I have arrived at answers to many of life's questions. I read constantly about 'wise men' and 'sages' who spend the entirety of their lives pondering the great mysteries of life. Well, maybe if they'd have taken their shoes off, they'd have gotten the answers sooner, like I did.

Let me enlighten you with the answers to some of life's eternal questions, deemed 'unanswerable' by so many for so long:
"What is the sound of one hand clapping?" - people with one hand clap by slapping their hand on their thigh, so it sounds a lot like 'hambone.'
"If a tree fell in the woods and no one was around, would it make a sound?" - it does, because I actually found myself in those woods once, when no one else was around, and it almost landed right on me.
"What is the meaning of life?" - spaghetti (with or without meatballs.)
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?" - none. He doesn't have opposable thumbs.
"What's the greatest rock band of all time?" - KISS, of course.
"What was the best episode ever of Happy Days?" - the one where Fonzie jumps over the sharks on water skis. That guy could do it all!
and
"Which would win in a fight... a gorilla or a bear?" - a gorilla.

And that's that.

It really wasn't that hard. I don't know what the big deal was all about.

I'm glad I'm on my journey. It's cool finding out about stuff, even if it's so difficult for so many other folks. I'm going to stay on this journey, I think, for awhile more. I've got some other answers I've got to figure out, like "What's the best scent of air freshener to use in your car?" and "Creamy or Crunchy peanut butter?" I love them both!

So I'll continue my personal barefoot journey, and hopefully I'll find myself in new and interesting places. I'd like to find myself awakened in a pile of Benjamins one day... And if I happen to pick up a splinter in my bare foot, I'll just summon the power of my personal savior and continue on the time-limited, non-eternal search for answers. "Jesus H. Christ that hurts!"